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Fan Mail

January 18, 2010

Though the blog is still in its beginning stages, Darius and I have received emails of praise for our comedic sensibility. Periodically, we’ll be sharing said emails to give you all an idea of what it’s like living on a high horse like ours. You’re welcome.

Dear Wilfred,

We must be together. Allow me to explain.

I have gone to many improv comedy shows where you have performed, and I found that the character that you often play – the hopeless, androgynous loser, who is obviously sexually inexperienced – is impeccable. It is as if you’ve spent years doing research for that character alone.

I am what some might call a woman of the streets, a female escort, a cum dumpster. Because of my occupation, I find it hard to engage in sex romantically, unless a monetary transaction takes place.

Since your last show, I have had many lust-filled dreams involving various men. And, on occasion, you are there, eating crackers in the background. I am not one to believe in fortune, but I am sure these dreams are advising me to have a relationship like such.

I think I can speak for many when I say that I do not find you sexually desirable. Because of this, I think you and I could have a successful sex-free relationship. The routine of our romance would go as follows: you would quietly wait for me all night, and I would stumble in every morning, smelling of cigarettes, alcohol, and the fluids of other men. We would then go about our day, and I would pretend as if you were my unattractive gay friend.

It is a relationship I think you should consider, because I can’t stop think of your shapeless body sleeping on the couch.



Here’s to you, Coco.

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