Upcoming Shows: Human Prop
I Hate U
Starbucks Customer
I saw you at Starbucks. Then I saw you see me. Then I saw you erupt in laughter. What was so funny, lady? Strawberry frappachinos are fucking delicious. Especially when you add sprinkles.
- When: Sunday, March 7, 2010
- Where: Starbucks Downtown
- I hate a: Woman
- I am a: Darius
Tanning Salon Employee
Why should I take off my clothes in the tanning booth? I can’t tan under my chest hair.
- When: Thursday, February 18, 2010
- Where: Tanning Salon, Broadway
- I hate a: Man
- I am a: Darius
Mold Removal
You came to our house and informed us that the mold could only be controlled by tearing down the wall and replacing it. I don’t really hate you, I’m just pissed there isn’t an easier solution.
- When: Monday, March 1, 2010
- Where: My house
- I hate a: Man
- I am a: Wilfred
Mom at Public Pool
I’m in the kiddy pool because I don’t know how to swim, not to fuck your little girl. I’ve got a girlfriend, I don’t need a 4 year-old on the side.
- When: Friday, February 26, 2010
- Where: Meredith Matthews YMCA
- I hate a: Mom
- I am a: Wilfred
Fan Mail
Apparently, I’ve become quite the heart throb. Here’s another letter straight from our devoted fans.
Dear Wilfred,
I met you at a small party that was held at my house. I’m the woman whom you asked to use the bathroom, not the one who complained about the smell you left.
I had plans to attend your show last weekend, but I decided to do anything but. I do regret missing it (I heard it was equivalent to Pearl Harbor – the attack, not the movie). Nonetheless, I would like to see you again, and continue the conversation we were having about Phoenicians in Phoenix, AZ.
To be honest, I find you very attractive. Your facial structure is strong like my grandson, but your silhouette is elegant, like that of Bugs Bunny. For whatever reason, looking at your cartoon-esque shape reminds me of my younger, more virile days.
As you may have noted, I’m 74. I hope this isn’t a deterrent.
Sincerely,
Betty
It is a deterrent, Betty. It is.
In The News
- In a speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference Saturday, Glenn Beck shared that if it weren’t for the consequences, he would be drunk at all times. This shocked many listening who thought that he was drunk at all times.
- Venezuelan president, Hugo Chavez, took action Tuesday as he demanded Britain to return the Falkland Islands to Argentina. “And, while you’re at it,” Chavez added, “throw in some white girls.”
- Dick Cheney is expected to be released from the hospital within the next two days after suffering a mild heart attack. In their reports, doctors said “His quick recovery surprised us. We thought he was dead before the heart attack.”
- President Obama announced that all states will be required to design standards that will make students “college ready.” So far, many states have designed programs that will teach students how to memorize their roommates’ schedule and masturbate alone in the dorm.
- Thursday, UN weapons inspectors, for the first time, declared that Iran seeks to weaponize its nuclear stocks. “Yeah, we know,” said the world.
This Thursday, you can find Wilfred performing at
The Duo Improv Comedy Showcase.
Thursday, 8:30 pm @ The Market Theater
For more info, visit improvseattle.com.
Darius’ Thoughts
Last week, I asked Darius if he would share some of his personal thoughts on our blog, and he said no. But this morning, he forgot his journal in my living room, and I believe this is pretty much the same as putting something on the internet. Here you are.
I don’t feel well today – I swear I have pancreatic cancer. Or my belt’s too tight.
Darius Emadi – November 10, 2009
Bonded with my dad today. We drove around the lake and he asked me if my bowel movements were consistent.
Darius Emadi – May 17, 2009
I’m drenched in guilt, but why? Is it because I’m planning to move to New York? Is it because I feel sorry for my mom since I won’t be around for her to berate? If not me, then who? The dog’s almost dead.
Darius Emadi – August 28, 2009
How good is God? As good as that CD you lost in 3rd grade. So, as good as the Space Jam Soundtrack.
Darius Emadi – January 6, 2010
Earlier today, I decided to take the road less traveled and ordered the crab at Subway.
Darius Emadi – February 13, 2007
Why am I so insecure? I own a gun.
Darius Emadi – December 26, 2009
We Apologize
Sorry for not updating in quite some time, but Darius has been hitting the comedy clubs, and I’ve been pushing the upcoming comedy show where you can find both Darius and me. For more info, stop by our Shows page.
And for tickets, visit http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/99526.
And don’t fret, we’ve got more posts coming your way.
In The News
- A new survey shows that Fox News is the most trusted news organization in the country. So you know what that means? If you’re middle eastern, start to say you’re Italian.
- James O’Keefe, the conservative activist arrested for breaking into a U.S. Senator’s office, admits that what he did was a mistake. By that, he means getting caught.
- On Wednesday, The Los Angeles City Council approved an ordinance that will shut down hundreds of medical marijuana dispensaries. Opponents wanted to protest, but were too busy watching Family Guy.
- According to a new book, Pope John Paul II whipped himself with a belt to bring him closer to Christian perfection. Inspired by his suffering, Pope Benedict XVI bought a ticket to Tooth Fairy.
Starting Saturday, February 6th
Blood Squad presents I Still Won’t Be Ignored
Saturdays @ 10:30pm
February 6 – March 6, 2010
Odd Duck Studio
1214 10th Ave Seattle, WA 98122
