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Last week, I went to my parent’s house for a party. When I arrived, my four year-old cousin ran up to me, and said, “HEY BALD COUSIN! WHAT’S UP?!”

I was shocked and confused. How do you know I’m balding? You can’t even see the top of my head from down there. I fought the urge to say something sarcastic, or to punch her square in the neck, and instead, smiled and walked along.

And that’s the thing about kids. They say mean things, but since they’re kids, you can’t fire back. For example, it would’ve been inappropriate to respond, “Nothing much – just thinking about how amazing it is that you’re so happy and joyful despite looking like a microwaved Twinkie.”

When you’re around a child, you are put at a disadvantage. In the verbal warfare that occurs between humans, you can’t fight back when a kid is on the other end. Children are highly impressionable, and a mean-spirited comment can do very harmful things to a child’s self-esteem. Though I always want to, I know I shouldn’t. And to this day, I vow to never, no matter what, never ever say something mean back to a kid.

But I would delete the latest episode of Dora the Explorer from the DVR. I would do that. I did do that.

And it turns out it was my mom. She told her I was balding.

With special guests Tony Beeman, Michael Bils, Brandon Felker, and Tim Tracey.

And featuring improv by The Room, stand-up by John Mckay and Darius Emadi, and sketch comedy by Killer Donut.

For advanced tickets, click here or call (206)679-3271.

For directions to the Odd Duck, click here.

Thursday, April 22nd

8:30pm @ the Market Theater

For advanced tickets, click here.

Visit Unexpected Productions for more info.

Dear Darius,

My girlfriend and I are in what some might call an “interracial relationship”. We love each other dearly, but last week, while having sex, she started saying some very racist things. Though I did ask her to talk dirty to me, I didn’t expect her to ask me to do her nails. I’m Vietnamese.

What should I do?

Wilbread

Dear Wilbread,

Don’t worry. That’s kind of funny.

Darius

The two entered his darkened apartment, knowing that ahead of them was a passionate night of sex, or, at least, a rubbing of each others bikini areas. They looked into the others eyes as she sensually leaned against the door. Her bosom, smaller than he desired, stood forward, stretching the fabric of her shirt. Slowly, he approached her, ready to punch her in the mouth with his lips.

Pressing their bodies, she placed her palm against the crotch of his jeans. “Wilfred, I’ve been a bad girl,” she said.

“Really? What did you do?” he replied.

Her kisses spread across his neck, while she unbuckled his pants. The alcohol she drank made her more daring, and the lactose he had made him more gaseous. Unable to contain his flatulence, he tried to sneak out a small ounce of relief.

“What was that?” she asked.

“The door, probably.”

“Are you sure? That didn’t sound like the door,” she replied.

“Yeah, sometimes the door farts,” he said. “Wierd, huh? It’s an old building.”

As a Padua, it is normal for me to reach my mid-twenties, and gain the weight of an old TV. It’s in our genetics – we live healthy and exciting lives in our first 20 years, then spend the rest of our time with Hot Cheetos  watching Myth Busters. Considering that my mid-twenties are fast approaching, I’ve decided to combat my substantial weight gain with exercise, healthy eating, and a journal to make it all public information.

In the last year, my weight has increased about 10 lbs. My pants are a little tighter, my shits are less frequent, and a pouch of fat has developed right above my groin. The first thing I’m going to tackle is my bowel movements. I used to poop about 2x times a day, which Oprah said was healthy, but these days, I’m lucky if I get one.

I’m not a health food expert, but I think this means I need more fiber in my diet, or a laxative. IHOP always makes me shit – maybe I should eat there.

Current weight: 164.2 lbs.

10:30pm @ the Odd Duck Studio

More info in the shows section.

Tickets available here.

Starbucks Customer

I saw you at Starbucks. Then I saw you see me. Then I saw you erupt in laughter. What was so funny, lady? Strawberry frappachinos are fucking delicious. Especially when you add sprinkles.

• When: Sunday, March 7, 2010
• Where: Starbucks Downtown
• I hate a: Woman
• I am a: Darius

Tanning Salon Employee

Why should I take off my clothes in the tanning booth? I can’t tan under my chest hair.

• When: Thursday, February 18, 2010
• Where: Tanning Salon, Broadway
• I hate a: Man
• I am a: Darius

Mold Removal

You came to our house and informed us that the mold could only be controlled by tearing down the wall and replacing it. I don’t really hate you, I’m just pissed there isn’t an easier solution.

• When: Monday, March 1, 2010
• Where: My house
• I hate a: Man
• I am a: Wilfred

Mom at Public Pool

I’m in the kiddy pool because I don’t know how to swim, not to fuck your little girl. I’ve got a girlfriend, I don’t need a 4 year-old on the side.

• When: Friday, February 26, 2010
• Where: Meredith Matthews YMCA
• I hate a: Mom
• I am a: Wilfred

Dear Wilfred,

I met you at a small party that was held at my house. I’m the woman whom you asked to use the bathroom, not the one who complained about the smell you left.

I had plans to attend your show last weekend, but I decided to do anything but. I do regret missing it (I heard it was equivalent to Pearl Harbor – the attack, not the movie). Nonetheless, I would like to see you again, and continue the conversation we were having about Phoenicians in Phoenix, AZ.

To be honest, I find you very attractive. Your facial structure is strong like my grandson, but your silhouette is elegant, like that of Bugs Bunny. For whatever reason, looking at your cartoon-esque shape reminds me of my younger, more virile days.

As you may have noted, I’m 74. I hope this isn’t a deterrent.

Sincerely,
Betty

It is a deterrent, Betty. It is.